Fear

Fear... It's what really drives most people.  Fear is something that is basal.  We feel it the moment we pop out of the womb.  "Where am I?  What am I doing here? Who the hell is that? Why is it so cold?"  These are basic, fundamental, fear-inducing questions that we face from day one. We need safety.  We need comfort.  We need these things inherently to move forward. We need them now. We don't know what safety and comfort really are until we've found them... rarely do we find them. 

Eventually, we learn to manage fear.  We never get over it, we simply manage it.  By whatever means necessary, we attempt to control something that we are born to be unable to control.  We do this within the confines of that which does not kill us.  We act out as much as we can and piss all over any kind of moral compass.  If it feels good, do it.  Sometimes we find the things that feel too good... that encompass our minds and make us forget the fear.  And we forget for so long that when something happens to rush us back to reality, we turn in to newborns again and forget all we've learned and we are simply small little beings who are afraid of everything.

Then, we must re-learn how to manage the fear.  But this time, it has to be different.  It has to be fool-proof.  We can't go back to fear... not like this.  Our entire life is made up of cycles of time where we learn the wrong way to deal with fear and then it comes screaming back and then we have to learn a new wrong way... the cycle is never ending. 

Why the psychology lesson?

No matter what you do in life, you are always going to be afraid of something.  You try.  You fail.  You try again.  You fail again.  My message here is one that I wish I could convey to myself.  And that message is this:  odds are good, you are going to fail.  Odds are good, you'll never escape fear on every level.  Odds are good, if you don't try, you'll never succeed. Odds are good, if you let fear run your life, you will never be able to truly live.

Take the chance. Put the emotion away and think with rationale.  Assess the risks, but don't let risks rule your brain.  Yeah, you usually have a 50/50 shot.  You either win or you lose.  And if you lose, you try again... but, if you should happen to be lucky enough to win... well, then you can look fear in the face for at least a few fleeting seconds and say, "hey, fuck you."

It All Starts at the Top

So, first official week is in the books... to say I'm overwhelmed my be the grossest understatement of the year.  I'm trying to keep it together... I really am.  But there's so much.  Just. So. Much.

Orders. Schedules. Organization. Recipes. Menus.  And Staff... oh the staff...

So, I have some problem children.  Expected a little resistance.  Expected a little butt hurt.  Did not expect the level of passive-aggressive, childish behavior that I have seen out of the two that were supposed to be my leaders... my rocks.  This week will be their reckoning.  I'm not spiteful.  I am not passive-aggressive (anymore).  I've given them time to get through it.  Time to get over themselves.  Nothing is changing... In fact, it's getting worse.  I really didn't expect anyone to bend over backwards to help me, but I didn't expect this kind of behavior.  I'm not sure that they aren't trying to sabotage me.  That's fine. Their problem is that they don't know how replaceable they are.  They believe that everything is going to fall apart without them there... and it might for a day or two... but not for long.  You see, I know enough people and have enough support that I can get a team together that I can build and actually teach without getting so much resistance that I feel like an Ohm meter.  And if I have to, I can work 80-100 hours for a week or two to make sure that shit doesn't fall apart.  I'm not weak.  This is something that they are soon to find out about.  This is what they do not expect.  This will be their end...

So, my final thoughts on this... I'm struggling right now.  I know myself well enough to know that this is happening.  But I also know what my abilities are.  I know what I am capable of.  These folks are also showing me what they are capable of and they will unravel themselves in a very short amount of time if they don't figure that out.  All I'm asking for is to meet me halfway.  Make an effort.  If you can't do that, I don't need you... and the sooner you realize that, the better off you're going to be.  And if you don't realize that, I know that I'm not going to have to deal with you much longer. 

Peace out

What I Don't Get to Do

So, the "cleaning house" bit isn't happening until tomorrow... It is taking way more time than I am comfortable with and management isn't doing me any favors by letting it drag.  The next few days are going to be tough... emotionally draining I'm guessing. 

My day off was today.  But I have spent a good portion of it crunching numbers, trying to work on a tentative schedule, putting together a pairing menu for Valentine's Day (that I learned about yesterday), and generally thinking about nothing but all the things I have to do.  I got a phone call this morning at 11 informing me that our walk-in froze last night and all the produce that was in it was a total loss... We have issues with our hood filters.  Shit is so dramatic right now.  I did stop for a while today to spend some time with my best friend... made some healthy dinner... watched some tv.  I'm just trying not to let this consume me all the time.  I will not allow any job to ever do that to me again.  I've lost people in my life because I became too involved in something that in the grand scheme of things was completely irrelevant to my life... never again.

This is what I do... there's no denying that.  It's who I am, but that does not mean it defines me. 

And So it Begins...

Today was "Observing" day.  Watching the kitchen, evaluating staff, efficiency, food, cleanliness... the whole nine.  Then there were meetings... consultants, GMs, owners... There is so much information to process and so much still left to gather.  My head is spinning and my mind is racing and if I'm being completely honest, I'm already stressed out.

Oh, did I mention that the Health Inspector came to pay a visit today to.  Yep, first day, inspection day.  Luckily he wasn't the world's greatest inspector.  That's all I'll say about that.

I feel a little dirty.  You see, the person running the kitchen isn't me yet.  There is another guy... and I'm there under the guise of a "consultant."  It doesn't really do me any favors with the rest of the staff to keep up this rouse for long.  I need them to trust me and I'm doing one of the only things that will instantly lose you respect points with your staff... you know, other than that no-call, no-show bullshit.

I've been looking at schedules... tomorrow I'll look at inventory.  Wednesday, we'll "clean house" and I'll be that person in charge.  I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.  I could identify about thirty blatant problems today.  I'm afraid I'll find thirty more tomorrow.  Where the hell do I even start?  I've never had to keep up with numbers in this field.  I've never had to make sure I hit any reasonable levels in this field.  Sure, I've done inventory and product control in a couple of other industries, but will it translate?  I guess only time will tell.

What I do know is that there are a lot of people looking to me for answers already.  There are a lot of people who are depending on me.  The fate of this place lies solely on a few key people and I just happen to be one of them. That is a lot of pressure for someone who spent most of the summer slinging hash, making coffee, and washing dishes.  My pedigree is short, but it is large.  I hope I have learned enough in the last 5 short years to help me make it through this.  I hope I learn enough, quickly enough to make this transition work for everyone.  I don't want to let anyone down.  I don't want to let myself down.  I guess it's my make or break time... It's my time to shine.

Chapter 39, Page 1

This is where it gets good...

How Does it Happen?

Magic... How does it happen?

As I sit here contemplating my last few days as a line cook and I begin to think of my new foray into the world of an Executive Chef, I find my self somewhat anxious.  I've kinda been here before.  In my previous job, they called me a Sous... I think that's just a French term created to poke fun at garbage men... "here, take all of this stuff that is about to be thrown out and make sure we don't have to do that."  Actually, I'm pretty good at that.  That's where I excel.  I've never been really patient with recipes.  Anyone who has ever cooked with me knows that.  Sometimes, I don't even believe in them.  Maybe an existential crisis between my brain and my intuition... who knows? 

But now...  now, I have to be the one to write those things.  The things that I secretly loathe to my core. I'm not looking for miracles, but I am looking for magic.  How does one train their brain to listen to their intuition, formalize that gut feeling, quantify it, and write it down so that anyone can repeat it?  I often joke that I've never cooked the same food twice.  More a statement of fact than a simple joke...  And how, when creating something that comes from my heart, do I find a way to make people understand that this dish was created with love and passion?  This is my conundrum...

Now, I fully understand that not everyone who works in a professional kitchen shares the same level of intensity that I have for this craft that I was born to do.  But how do I make them feel mine?  How do I make them understand that we are not just slopping food on a plate?  How do I get them to recognize that food is art. Food is a craft.  It isn't to be mistreated and looked upon with angst and disdain.  It is about putting love in front of your guest and having them feel that love with every bite.  It is about them wanting to come back and feel that same love every time they sit down. 

I want to be a great teacher of this.  More than anything, I want to have people that can translate what I conceptualize, what I write down, and what I feel into something that they too will feel the love from.  That's what cooking is to me.  That is where my journey begins... trusting that I can do it, that I can teach it, and that they can feel it.  I guess that is where the magic happens...